


But I'll Stay Awake For you

by operaluva823



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Coming Out, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 13:24:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18499861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/operaluva823/pseuds/operaluva823
Summary: “Do you ever get tired? Of being out, I mean?” Dex yanked a handful of grass out of the ground.“What— What the hell kind of question is that?” Nursey shot Dex a glare which he didn’t see, his eyes not straying from staring across Lake Quad. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I'm not gonna—”“Jesus, Nurse, calm down. I just—” Dex cut him off quickly, stopped, and sighed. He looked down as he ripped up another handful of grass. “Can— can you just answer the question?





	But I'll Stay Awake For you

It was the first real warm day in months, and Derek Nurse was determined to take advantage of the good weather. The moment his classes were done, he set up shop beneath a tree with his notebook, ready to take advantage of the inspiration days like these provided. His focus set in and the rest of the world melted away into the warm breeze.

He was only slightly drawn out of his focus when he felt movement beside him. Dex’s arm bumped against his as the redhead rested himself against the tree trunk. Nursey paused for a moment, expecting perhaps a greeting, and when none came, he returned to his work.

Minutes passed silently as Nursey chewed on the tip of his pen, pondering his notebook, until Dex spoke.

“Hey Nursey?” 

“Mm?” Nursey muttered through his pen, not quite pulled from focus. He was just about to get the right word.

“Do you ever get tired? Of being out, I mean?” Dex yanked a handful of grass out of the ground.

“What— What the hell kind of question is that?” Nursey shot Dex a glare which he didn’t see, his eyes not straying from staring across Lake Quad. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I'm not gonna—”

“Jesus, Nurse, calm down. I just—” Dex cut him off quickly, stopped, and sighed. He looked down as he ripped up another handful of grass. “Can— can you just answer the question?

Nursey’s eyes narrowed with suspicion, but he lowered his pen onto his notebook and turned toward his d-man. “I mean, does it get exhausting being a brown queer guy in this world? Hell yeah. There’s some real shit. But I wouldn’t go back in the closet for anything. That shit was awful. By the time I graduated Andover, I thought I’d die if I had to stay closeted for one more second. Came out after graduation, and I haven’t looked back.”

“W—wait, you were in the closet at Andover?” Dex’s eyes shot up to meet Nursey’s. Derek couldn’t pinpoint what is was about the look in them, fear, shock, disbelief, but he couldn’t hold his gaze for more than a second.

Shrugging off the sudden intense eye contact, Nursey answered “Yeah, dude. That place was a summary of toxic white masculinity. I wasn’t about to open myself up to that. But I was out at home, so that helped. My moms helped.” 

Dex looked down at his hands again and fiddled with the bits of grass he held. He stared silently for a moment before he spoke quietly. “I think I had just assumed— I just figured— You’re so open.” He turned to look at Derek again “About everything, I mean. But especially about that. I guess I just can’t imagine you hiding it.”

“At this point, neither can I. I’d never go back to that. I mean there are still environments where I know I’ve gotta like, keep under wraps and stuff. Be less obvious about it. But it’s never a secret now.” Nursey fiddled with his pen. He didn’t really understand where Dex was going with this, and honestly, he was a little surprised they were talking about this at all. Dex usually stayed as far away from queer subjects as possible. And there was clearly something up with him right now. Okay, Nursey had to ask. 

“Poindexter. Hey. What’s this about anyway?”

Dex turned away, laid his head against the tree trunk, and let out a long, heavy breath. Closing his eyes, he said, “I’m just— tired.”

“W—”

“Like, it’s not like I want to go back in the closet, I’m just— I’m tired of having people know stuff about me like they’re entitled to that information or something. And them thinking that them knowing means they know my whole life story. I’m tired of that being one of the first things people think of when they go to describe me. I’m tired of wondering every time I open my mouth if I’m gonna accidentally say the wrong thing around the wrong person and then I’m just going to have to— I’m just tired of it mattering. I just want to go and live my life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m defined by it.” 

Nursey blinked. “Wait— you’re gay? You’re out?”

“Hyup” Dex replied with a lazy peace sign, gazing out ahead at nothing.

“Wh— Since when? Am I like the last person to know?” Nursey’s world felt like it was spinning on its head.

“Since I was like fourteen. And nah, I just didn’t tell the team. Though Chowder knows. Mostly ’cause CS students can’t keep their mouths shut. Me— I’m included in that judgement. He isn’t. He promised he wouldn’t even tell Farmer.” Dex ran a hand through his hair.

“Since you were fourteen. So, then your family— what’d they think?” Nursey ran a hand down his face, trying to process the new information. Finally, his brain caught up to the words and he faltered. “Wait, why didn’t you tell the team? You know we’d support you completely.”

“Ok, well out in bits and pieces since I was fourteen. Couldn’t stand to keep it a secret, so I decided I had to tell everyone ASAP. Told my sisters, then my brother, then my mom. Came out at school which led to me being out in like the neighborhood and stuff. Didn’t actually tell my dad until I was sixteen, but he’d known for a while there, I guess. And my extended family found out when I was like fifteen, so. I don’t know, they were fine about it, I guess. We don’t really talk about it.” Dex shrugged.

“And I know the team would support me. I just— I wanted a corner of the world where I could make sure I was sharing only the stuff that I wanted to share. Where I was pacing myself. I just wanted a little privacy. And I realized pretty quickly that dating gets a lot of attention from the team. So, I just decided to keep it under wraps. The only reason Chowder even found out was ’cause I slipped up in a CS study group and made a dumb pun.”

“Dude.” Nursey started, before he paused. “Wait, if you wanted to keep this a secret, why bring this up to me now? Like, I’m really glad you told me, but I don’t get it. We’re about to move into the Haus next year. Why increase the number of people on the team who know if its gonna make you uncomfortable?”

“Because we’re moving into the Haus. Because living there, it’s gonna be way harder to keep it quiet from the rest of the team. Because I don’t want to have to hide in my own room, or in my own house. Because I’m into you, and I’d rather not have that revealed when we’re already sharing a room and can’t escape the awkward.” Dex looked up and met Nursey’s eyes with a look of raw honesty, vulnerability, and just a dash of defiance.

Nursey held his gaze for a moment before speaking. “It would only be awkward if I didn’t return the sentiment. But I do.”

Some, but not all, of the tension in Dex’s shoulders fell away. “Yeah?”

“I’d resigned myself to hopelessly pining after a straight boy. Lucky me, I was wrong.” Nursey placed a hand on Dex’s and smiled, until it faded slightly.

“What?” The tension began to return to Dex’s shoulders.

“I like you. And I’d want to date you. But like I said, I don’t want to have to stay a secret. And you— I don’t think I once heard you actually say you were gay. You’re not out to the team. I don’t know if I can-” Nursey looked down at their touching hands sadly and sighed.

Dex frowned. “I— I know I have a hard time saying it sometimes. Like shit, even now.” Dex sought out eye contact with Nursey. “I’m gay. I’m really fucking gay. And I know my mentality about being out isn’t the healthiest, and it’s only hurting me. So, I’m going to come out to the team. And I decided that a few weeks ago. Hence me stressing enough today for this conversation to have even started. But all it did was give me more motivation to come out. And I would never ask you to stay a secret for me. I know I’ve got issues, but I’m working on them. So hopefully you’ll give me a chance to try?”

After what felt like forever to Dex, Nursey finally nodded. “I believe you. I’ll help you. I— yeah, I will. Absolutely”

Dex flushed and broke their gaze. Fiddling with Nursey’s hand which still rested on his, he smiled. “So, can I take you out for coffee then?”

“You sure can, Poindexter.” Nursey grinned. “Also, did I hear you say ‘hence’ earlier?”

“Shut up, Nurse”

**Author's Note:**

> For context, I headcanon Dex as a pretty conflicted, yet still practicing Catholic who comes from a Very Catholic Irish family. He's got that catholic guilt down pat, so he's got some hella internalized homophobia to deal with. Am I projecting with both that and this fic? Absolutely. Sorry not sorry. It will definitely happen again.


End file.
